Musings from a promise-collector

Harder Than I Thought

I feel led to begin telling a certain part of my story that started in this new season. One I waited for for a very long time.

And I will admit that this is a lot harder to share than I thought it would be. I started to write about it, but had to stop. Not because this is a difficult time in my story, but because of the depths of my heart that I have poured out to the Lord over it.

In high school, and especially in college, I watched my friends date. I so desperately wanted those same experiences, however, much to my chagrin it didn’t really happen for me. I felt like an outsider looking in, nose pressed against the glass, watching them experience the thrills of the dating world. But as I lived vicariously through them, I was there as the heart-break of an ended relationship overshadowed them.

I went back to my dorm room one night, heart heavy for a friend, laid face-down on my bed and prayed. It wasn’t so much a prayer for her, as a cry for help. “God, there HAS to be a better way! I don’t want to date just to date; I don’t want the emotional baggage. I want to wait for the one that you have for me. I want you to bring me my husband.”

Little did I know how long I would wait. But God filled the waiting with promises of what was to come. He spoke truth through His Word, and to my heart. He filled my nights with dreams of the man He was preparing for me – showing me the qualities of what to look for, not at all focusing on the physical. These promises because paramount – I clung to them during times when my faith waivered; heck, when it would plummet. There were many times that I questioned if He would do it. But He always brought me back to His promises to me.

And He brought me sweet single friends along the journey. Girls that I prayed with for the future men… prayed, and hoped, and cried, and dreamed with.

These are deep places in a woman’s heart who has been single for a length of time. Not just a year or two – I mean a decade or two. For me, the wait was 18 years. But those years were full. Even though I longed for my spouse, God filled those years with good things. Many I wish he could have been there to experience with me, but that was not God’s plan. And we will have plenty more adventures to experience and share together.

The time was not lost… just not what 20-year-old me was expecting when she prayed that prayer.

Then there are the deep things that God did in me during the time we dated. Things that spoke to the place in my heart that had waited oh-so long.

I hope to be able to express all of these facets of the story well. Not just so I can accurately tell the story, but so that God’s amazing grace can be shown through how He has worked in the life of this daughter of His.

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